PG-rated swear words

Was thinking the other day about swear words (obviously I have too much time on my hands). I have a child now and although I was never a real big cusser (it still makes me uncomfortable to actually say the 'f' word...although I can write it: fuck - see?), I think that I have to stop saying at least the Big Ones: shit, damn and hell. And the 'f' word, of course, fuck (heh...that probably upped my hit count...).

I should probably also cut out fart and bitch. I use them way too much. Someone once said that adding a yummy food group after a derogatory makes it less dirty. Terms such as:

• twatwaffle
• cuntpickle
• skankmuffin
• whorecracker

are funnier than they are dirty.

The word 'douche', while itself not really a dirty word becomes funny/demeaning/dirty when different beginnings or endings are added:

• douchewizzle
• douchebag
• douche canoe
• douchefish
• flaming douchebag
• douche-a-rooney

Adding 'knocker' after words makes them funny/dirty:

• fartknocker
• bitchknocker
• doucheknocker

The word 'crap' (which I would not consider particularly dirty seems to have made some list at my 7-year old's school as he chastised me for using it the other day) lends itself to adding an interesting ending as in:

• craptastic
• crapalicious
• crappity crap crap
  

I have always loved "smarmy bastard." It just seems to roll off the tongue (e.g. "...he was such a smarmy bastard I simply wanted to hurl..."). Lately "batshit crazy" has been a favorite of mine as well.

These are not really swear words, but they are funny:

• dillweed
• dorkfish

Okay, now I have shared some of my favorites, I wanna hear some more...anyone?

We got some snow...

Yes, we did. The first winter blast of snow last weekend was a cake walk compared to what we got hit with on Wednesday. First of all, it was a Saturday. I had to convince B that there would be no hockey on that day but other than that, we had plenty of food, never lost power and we got along just fine and dandy.

When it started to come down on Tuesday, after B picked me up from work we needed to make an emergency grocery stop (milk and forgawdssake TOILET PAPER). It didn’t really snow too much that evening and when I went to bed about 11 we had gotten maybe an inch? Maybe? Nah, this storm ain’t nothin’. Hah! I say to you, storm! You are beneath me!! Mother Nature, I fart in your general direction.

Well, she must have heard me and Mother Nature, she is a bitch. On Wednesday morning, we had been blessed with about another foot of snow. And still it was snowing.

You know, sometimes I don’t think that B has the sense God gave a duck. “Get ready for work! Get E ready for school!”

Me (logging onto the computer SINCE WE DON’T HAVE A TV AND CAN’T WATCH THE NEWS): “Ummm…school is cancelled today. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out in this.”

“Nonsense! I will go dig the car out. Look! A snowplow just came by!”

“Ooookay…”

And still it was snowing.

I get to work. There were maybe 10 people there. We all congratulated each other on our stupidity pluck and determination. And still it was snowing.

The VP came around at 9:45 and said, “We are closing in 10 minutes. Go home. Drive carefully. May God have mercy on your souls” (okay, he didn't say that last but he should have). I asked if we get a special prize (I did. I'm just that way...). I call B to come and pick me up.

(An aside: while waiting to be picked up I saw no less than 6 snowplows drive by - NONE OF THEM PLOWING. What's up with that? Are they all running back to their snowplow diner to smile and laugh at the the morons who were stupid enough to be out in this insane weather?)

The trip home was pretty dicey. The roads really sucked. Visibility was near zero at some times. I think that B was driving using sheer instinct and prayer. Me? I was hanging on to the door frame and pushing my invisible brakes through the floorboards. I was screaming in my head OHMYGAWD, OHMYGAWD, I CAN’T SEE THE ROAD! OHMYGAWD, OHMYGAWD while calmly saying to E, “Please don’t disturb daddy, sweetie. These are really bad road conditions.” OHMYGAWD!!!!! WE’RE GONNA DIIIIEEEE!

Well, we didn’t die. We didn’t crash. We made it home fine. And this morning we found…

This is our car. AFTER B had shoveled the car out. There is a tiny path just the width of a single snow shovel from our door to the parking lot.

This is (one of) the giant piles of snow where the snow plows dumped it.

This is the giant pile of snow in front of our building. Yesterday we couldn't even open the front door.This is our patio. The snow hits E about hip level, making it something over 2 feet (I am guessing something like 2.5).

So much for global warming...

Really??

You know, I like our President. I think he is a good man and will try his best to make a better world, but the Nobel Peace Prize? Really? Now? For what?

Other sitting presidents have gotten it but they actually did something. TR brokered peace between Russia and Japan. Wilson worked on ending WWI and created the League of Nations. Carter got one after leaving office for “decades of work seeking peaceful solutions and promoting social and economic justice”.

I guess they are giving Obama a Nobel in hopes that he will do something.

Okay. Someone give me $2 million in hopes that I will win the lottery.

Still Alive, Still in MN, Very Thankful

Well...I am still in Minnesota. I have to give thanks to some great people:

First of all to Don & Sandy who wired me some money to get me through probably one of the darkest times of my life. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou...

To my SIL who gave us a place to stay. We are an awful handful to take in (two adults, one child, a dog and a cat) and it has been well over three days. It is an awfully long commute but until we get our feet more underneath us (i.e. I get a few more paychecks and can pay off some big-ass bills), it is great.

To anyone who reads this thank you for thinking of me. I only have spotty access to the internet so posting will be very lax until we can get our own place, but know I will be back.

...and, Marie? I think I love you...

Do ya think I'm...

I am too late for NaBloPoMo so I am inventing NaBloPoMoLight...or The Last Fifteen Days in November. I am going to try to post every day for the next 15 days.

================================================

The People magazine Sexiest Man Alive issue is to hit newsstands soon. And the winner is...

Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Sexy?

Well, in a word, Matt, no. I think you look like a real nice guy, but 'sexy' is not a word that is uppermost in my mind. What I do think is 'sexy' is that you are a man with a wife that you (apparently) love and a beautiful young child.

In looking at the top 15, I think those are the guys that stand out the most. Sure, they are all great-looking, but the ones that I like most have more than just looks on their side.

I don't watch 'Grey's Anatomy' (a character flaw, I know), but Patrick Dempsey (#2) is sexy not only because he is 'Dr. McDreamy' but also because he has been married 9 years and is still in love with his wife. When asked the secret to keeping the spark alive, he said, "Her eyes. I was always taken by them," he says. "They're warm, sparkly eyes. That's the most beautiful part of someone."

What is sexy? Seeing pictures of Brad Pitt (#4) - Mr. Sexy Dad - with his kids. What Johnny Depp (#6) says about his kids ("Suddenly you meet your reason to live"). And Matt's friend, Ben Affleck (#11) on his 9-month old daughter, "All I want to do is go home, just to be around her again."

I love Will Smith (#8). I love him for being a wonderful actor and I love that he seems like a totally-together person. I also love that he loves his wife ("Either I'm going to be with [wife] Jada," he told Ebony, "or I'm going to be dead.").

Now, that's sexy.

Another Installment

Hmmm...huh? What? It is nearly the ides of November and I have not even thought of NaBloPoMo. Well, my excuse is that there have been many changes here at the Home, mostly good changes and just a few NotSoGood.

Things that have changed:

1. Got laid off
2. Started a new, better job
3. In a new state
4. Back in the Pacific NW
5. Not in Washington
6. Or Oregon
7. Okay, less Pacific than simply NW
8. DCF is off our backs
9. They have terminated the supervision
10. Less than a month ago they were trying to take E again
11. Somehow we are no longer a threat to our child
12. Even though we did nothing different
13. We are magically okay now
14. Assholes
    

Things we gotta decide:

1. WTF do we do with our house in Florida
2. Sell it?
3. Rent it?
4. Burn it?
5. Okay, I'm not serious about the last, but I don't wanna keep it
6. And we don't wanna lose money on it
7. I think we should sell it
8. And what about those embroyos in storage?
9. Am I too old for a transfer?
10. Or should we go for it?
    

Stay tuned for more excitement on...As the Stomach Turns...

We interrupt this program...

If this is fat....

...then I'm a fucking water buffalo...

...stoned maybe; but SOOOO not fat...

========
P.S - Shame on you, Glamour magazine. Why oh why did you have to graft America Ferrera's beautiful face onto Mr. Thrifty?

Waiting for Godot...

Reading Julie's post re: getting to donor egg made me think about our own journey. B & I were married in 1993 and stopped using BC in 1995. I saw my first specialist in 1996. Unfortunately we did not aggresively seek treatment as life issues got in the way (not my issues but peripherally affected me so I will not discuss them in this forum...suffice it to say nasty business...lost lots of $$$ and time).

Began to actively try again in 1998. I went first to the Doctor Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken In My Presence. Now I suppose Dr. WNSNBSIMP is a competent enough doctor. He diagnosed my horrible horrible horrible periods and took out the Dermoid Cyst that made me writhe on the floor in agony so I suppose he has that going for him...but his bedside manner. No.

Let me take a moment and say I had the worst migraine headaches you can imagine. No, don't tell me how bad yours were; you weren't in my head and I am not in yours so I will not make statements about how my headache could beat your headache and send it flying to the curb. I will not go there. They came complete with a Full Complement of Migraine Symptoms.

1. Severe, horrible throbbing pain over my right temple. Only the right one. Grab my head, wrench it off and replace it with Barbie's plastic head. Please.
2. Nausea - yup - many times had to pull off the road to throw up because of the nausea...and I didn't even get to have the fun of getting sloppy drunk and thrown out of the club.
3. Sensitivity to smells - oh, god. I love coffee; I love food, I love the smell of food. But when Mygraine came to visit. No. No coffee. No cologne. No. Nothing with any smell at all.
4. Sensitivity to light - lock me in a cave and roll a boulder in front of the door and I, too will rise in 3 (or maybe 4) days.
5. Sensitivity to noises - be vewwy vewwy qwiet...

And add to the Mygraine my horrible cramps as Dermoid was growing to encompass my abdomen. Laying on a bathroom floor at work because I didn't have the strength to walk out to the car.

Why didn't you go to a doctor, you idiot? Okay I was stupid. I had some really bad medical advice previously and I believed them moron that I am. Doctors tried prescribing things for my headaches for years, but nothing worked. One (idiot) nurse told me that her headaches cleared up when she went through menopause. Who says that to a 30-year old? Bitch.

Anyway, Dr. WNSNBSIMP delivered a by now tennis ball-sized Demoid in July 1999 along with one fully-involved and now totally useless ovary. Hey, I wasn't using it anyway. I asked him about having children. He said:

"You will never have children."

That's it. Nothing else. No hope at all.

I cried.

...to be continued...

Rant follows

I listened to this NPR story: "Pushing the Age Limits on Motherhood."

First let me rant on the fact that the story is "...Limits on Motherhood..." What about all those old men having children in their 70s and 80s. Are they 'pushing the limits"? Or are they just good ol' boys and getting slaps on the back for being so 'virile'?

Why are women in their 40s 'selfish' for wanting children and women in their 20s are not? Isn't it the same drive, the same wants and desires that is fueling the wish for children? I don't understand how I can be 'selfish' for wanting something that is so essential to the human condition. Am I selfish to want to breathe? To eat? To love and be loved? Stupid, stupid, stupid thinking.

That idiot woman who so resented the fact that her parents were older when she was born is such a twit. Would she rather not have been born?? My parents were 'older' too and I would not trade them for younger parents for anything. I don't know what I can't do now that I did when I was younger. No, I am not going to go skiing (didn't when I was younger either). No, I am not going to play football (ditto the younger me). Run a marathon? HAHAHAHA!!!

But as for not getting down on the floor and playing with my son??? Are you freaking kidding me? Try to stop me!!

Oh, yes...I am sooo tired at night I can barely crawl to my bedroom (*heavy sarcasm*).

*breathe* *breathe*

This is really sad. We lived in Tucson from 3/2003 - 10/2004 and saw the fires that devastated the top of Mt. Lemmon. It is a truly beautiful place up there. If we had stayed in AZ we had thought to buy land up there. It is so much cooler; beautiful and peaceful.

I am sad that it may be dying away.

(Picture by Rick Scibelli Jr. for The New York Times)

Other things

I do have an interest (and can write about) things other than the crap that my life has been recently. As I mentioned once before, I like to do handicrafts...sewing, knitting, crocheting, needlework, etc. Lately I have been into cross stitching.

I was first introduced to cross stitching quite a few years ago from a colleague who said she enjoyed it. So I went out and bought a cross stitch kit...one of the stamped ones wherein the pattern is stamped on the cloth and you merely follow the lines and stitch where ever there is a mark on the cloth. So I bought one.

And never finished it. Then I bought another. And didn't finish that either.

So I left cross stitching alone for quite a while.

About 10 years later, B's brothers started having children...and I wanted to make those cross stitched birth announcements. So I bought another kit only this time it was counted cross stitching (god this is boring). The difference being that in counted cross stitch you start out with a blank canvas and count the stitches (get it? Counted. Cross. Stitch).

And I finished it. And then I finished another. Hey! I can do this!

As boring as that may sound, I find it very relaxing and quite engrossing. I have stayed up very late because I just want to finish This One Section.

One of the things that I finished lately is this picture that I am going to hang in E's room (once it gets properly washed and framed). It is from the book Guess How Much I Love You. I know that some people don't like this book (i.e. "...why would a father try to 'one-up' his child?"). To those people I say, phlbbbbttt (*wipe drool from chin*). I think it is a sweet book that speaks of a parent's boundless love for a child.

And I finished this piece this past weekend. I actually started this about 5 years ago. I got it about half done and then it got put aside and then we moved and I couldn't find it for quite some time. I found it when I was unpacking all of my craft stuff. This is one of the bigger and more complex things that I have done. It has a lot of colors and a lot of outlining; I still need to add some beads to it, but I think I will wash it and iron it first. It is a bell pull so I also have to find some hardware to put at the top and the bottom. I think a trip to the craft store is in the offing...

The next thing I am going to work on is this Christmas stocking. I actually bought this last October hopefully to finish before the holiday, but only got this far when my interest was highjacked by staring at legal documents and trying to understand how the f$#% someone's life can get tweaked out of control so quickly.

It will be ready for next Christmas.

Employed again

When last I wrote, I promised a tale rant about the idiot guardian ad litem in our case. I will get back to that later. I just wanted to say:

I AM GAINFULLY EMPLOYED AGAIN!!!

Yup, started on Monday right here in Jacksonville so we didn't have to move. I am still up for a job in Atlanta (permanent job with holiday pay, vacation and benefits), but I have yet to hear about that job yet, so I took this contract (no benies, no holiday pay, no vacation, but money okay) job that may become permanent after 6 months or so.

Yippee for the money, though.

Changes abound

I am so sorry but this is just too funny and this line is unbelievably hilarious!!

"While it is unlikely that this will result in a "fart-tax" with civil
servants chasing cows round with breathalyzer style methane measurers..."

*...laughs hilariously...wipes drool from mouth...*

If anyone has been paying attention, yes, I have made some changes around here. I don't think I will ever be 'home' again so I have decided to just go along with whatever comes my way.

"What the f%$k is she talking about?"

My project did not get renewed for this year so in spite of our delivery being splendidly received by our customer and riotously successful, I and my whole team have been let go effective the 18th of this month.

Joy.

So, I am off on Monday to interview in Minneapolis for a Technical Architect position at (wait for it) ...Target.

*ahem*

Might have to change my opinion of them.

Texas Time

We are leaving tomorrow for Texas. I have somewhat mixed feelings about it. The last time in Texas things were not always so nice. I get along well enough with my in-laws, I suppose. I just don't think we should spend too much time there. It always turns out badly. I guess it is true that fish and guests begin to smell after 3 days.

I want E to know his grandparents, but it seems they bring out the worst in B. B and his mom are like oil and water. They cannot be together for very long before things start to get explosive. It doesn't help that his parents are so constantly critical. I am able to tune it out and walk away but B cannot do that. It makes for a very uncomfortable time.

I wish we were just staying home.

Bad Blogger!

Well I totally failed at the NaNoWhateverTheHellItWas, but I am going to try to redeem myself by posting every day from this day forward on until the end of the month.

Yeah. Right.

Found an interesting shopping site on the web: The Vermont Country Store. Their motto: "Purveyors of the Practical and Hard-toFind." Somehow I think that this doesn't fit into the category of 'practical' but it would definitely be hard-to-find...perhaps there is a reason...it is STUPID!!!!

Sheesh...some people must have a lot of money they don't know what to do with.

Never on Saturday (or Sunday)

Okay, so I really suck at this posting on the weekend stuff. I just do not spend time on the computer on the weekend. I can always find something else that I want to do. Maybe if my laptop was working properly and we had the wireless set up, but since I have to come up here and use this (ugh!!) wired-plug-in-the-wall stuff, meh.

So once again, I will dig into my joke bag and bring you Joke Friday, Saturday edition.

Plane Rules

• Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
• It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
• The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
• The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
• Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
• If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
• In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

See you on Sunday (eh).

Marking time

Not much to say today. I am working on a couple of things but just haven't finished them yet.

Sheesh, this posting something every day is tougher than you may think...okay it ain't standing on the business end of a shovel or carrying barbells up to the attic but right now I'm tired and just want to go to bed but I still feel compelled (I did make a vow after all) to post something today.

Okay, how about a link to something funny?

Anyone need a job?

Wait! One more (I couldn't resist...).

VOTE today...or not...

'If you don't vote, you don't have the right to complain'

I think that's one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. I have the right to complain whenever I want to. I can complain that my clothes make me look fat (I know it's not me). I can complain about the driver who cut me off. I can say the President is a son-of-a-bitch (no offense, Barbara). Complaining has been guaranteed in the Constitution. It's called Freedom of Speech. Or Freedom of Non-Speech.

You see, I believe that no decision is a decision. I can decide to pay my rent. Or not. One decision gives me a warm place to sleep. The other gives me a cardboard box under a bridge. I can decide to get a flu shot. Or not. One way, I stay healthy and go to work everyday; the other I stay in bed for three days and pray for death.

Decisions. Or no decision.

You decide.

Lest I forget...

Okay, so the man complained of constipation...more EWWWW.

And, one more thing...just in case I do miss a day's posting this month, there's a reason.

...sick...

So sick...raging fever...headache...chills...body aches...

Kill me...kill me now...