Sad...and Broke...but Employed, Sort Of...

I am so broke right now that I don't know what to do. I am almost at the point of deciding between food and shelter.

The good new is I was offered employment. It is contract not permanent, but employment nonetheless. And after almost six months of not-a-lot-of-anything, I accepted. The bad news is it is 1500 miles from Idaho...in Minnesota. So we packed up the house and set off East, young woman. B had to stay behind, so it is me, E, our dog Ellie and our cat, Freckles. We are now in Minnesota.

The bad news is that this position requires that I have a birth certificate or passport as proof of citizenship. I was told that this was necessary today when I showed up for my first day of work (rather than before I left Idaho when I could have ordered the damn thing and had it waiting for me here in MN). My passport and my birth certificate are in a box that inadvertently got left in Florida. They sent me home.

Even if I could have started today I won't get a paycheck for two weeks.

We have enough money in the bank for 3 more days in a hotel. I can't get hold of any money in my 401ks or my remaining IRA for 15 calendar days.

We may wind up living in the car.

This is not good.

Bad Blogger

I find it exceptionally hard to blog when things are going badly. That somehow seems counterintuitive, that the act of writing here should be an unburdening. Some people whose blogs I read are in a very bad place emotionally and they write very often, sometimes more than once a day, but me? No.

I guess because I try to keep this a rather lighthearted place. Though really looking back on some of my older posts, the times when I was down were really some of my better stuff. Oh, well.

Right now things are going very badly. I am going to have to close out an IRA to pay my mortgage this month. I haven't had a good interview in over a week.

And B and I are fighting quite a bit. Loudly. In front of E.

I am in a very bad place right now.

...and today I cried

Not the cute, sweet crying with the dabbing at the corners of your eyes with a delicate lace-edged hanky and quiet sniffling, but big deep, snotty, puffy-eyed, red-nosed, chest-heaving sobs. And no kleenex within reach.

Why, you ask?

Well, the wonderful job that I got. The one that I was gonna be at until I am bowed and grey-haired (okay, more bowed and yes, my hairdresser does know)? The one that seemed to care and that seemed interested in me and my career? The one that moved us 2800 miles? Yeah, that one. Well, they are having "Workforce Reduction" (ummm, yeah, euphemism for layoffs). Right. Last in. First out.

I got the notice last month. They gave me 5 weeks severance, which just ran out. They said that I could apply for internal jobs and I would get 'preferential' treatment. I applied for, like 50 or 100 jobs in various places. Many of which are like reading verbatim off of my resume. All I got was the computer-generated "Thank you for your interest..." form letters. Did any human actually read this? Anyone???

I had a great local interview last week. Thought it went really well. Today I got the flush letter. This city has virtually no other places that I can apply. I can't be a waitress anymore (even if it paid enough, even if I didn't just have hip surgery). I don't know anything else I can do except software. And there are no software jobs here.

Right now, we have enough money in the bank for one more mortgage payment (thanks to the 60 hours of vacation pay...yeah...I took virtually no vacation...actually only the ones I had to take because of plant shutdowns over Christmas and the week of the Fourth). My unemployment doesn't even come close to my mortgage (I will get a whopping $360/week...whoopee...).

I don't want to move. God I hate moving. We have done that so much in the past few years that it just makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry some more. I am tired. I am tired of being the sole support for my family. I am tired of sending out resumes. I am tired of explaining.

I am tired.

On a lighter note, I have lost 10 stress-related pounds.

Now excuse me as I move the dust bunnies out of the corner and curl up with the last box of kleenex I could find.

Bad Blogger...again

I have been a very bad blogger lately. I have no excuse. Except that my life is one big steaming pile of horse crap right now.

Prepare to be suitably depressed as the days follow and I commence to spill my rather dodgy guts to the Internets (not that I get a lot of traffic anyway...).

Mediation – It’s Over

It is all over. I am sad and disheartened but I must concede for E’s sake. This system is such a load of horse crap that I just want to pound my fists on the table and scream for justice. Chapter 39 (the section in Florida law that deals with dependency issues) is being trampled on by DCF and the court system. You may as well use it for wallpaper for all the effectiveness it has. They break the rules, fail to follow their own process, trample on the Constitution and steal your rights, but it doesn’t matter.

The mediator told us that in 13 years of practicing dependency cases, she has never seen the judge go against what DCF is asking for. Basically he just rubber stamps everything put in front of him. We are told we would probably win on appeal but that would be a year or two down the road. Half of E’s lifetime.

That is how they win. Because they don’t care. They don’t care how long your child stays in foster care or relative care. It doesn’t matter to them. But it does to parents. We have already missed E’s first Easter egg hunt. I don’t want to miss any more firsts. He will only be 4 once.

We are going to let E finish the school year with his class (it concludes on May 18). Then my in-laws will drive out here and we will all go to Disney together (we still have 2 tickets each from when we went in January and they have to be used within 6 months).

He was so happy when I told him last night on the phone that he would be coming home soon.

E: Tomorrow?
S: No, sweetie. After school is over for the year.
E: The day after tomorrow?

God, I miss my boy.

More Court Crap

Well, I guess it's time for a little court update. Our appearance on the 4th was really just a formality (again). Sheesh, no wonder the court system is so clogged. It takes 3 or 4 different appearances to get anything done. Our attorney filed a Motion for Dismissal. She doesn't think the judge will dismiss it, but I figure it's worth a try. If the stupid judge actually decided to read the allegations, any of the stuff we have filed or any of the answers to their allegations then this crap would be over, but I don't think he bothers.

What we filed was:

COMES NOW, the parents, XXXXX and XXXXX, by and through their undersigned attorney and move this Court pursuant to Rule 8.235(b), Fla. R. Juv. P., to dismiss the Petition for Dependency for failure to state a cause of action and would state the following in support of their motion:

1. The Petition fails to allege the factual basis for any reasonable efforts made to prevent or eliminate the need for the removal of the child from the home.
2. The Petition fails to allege any allegations of abuse, abandonment or neglect. The allegations are merely that the mother did not make the minor child available to the Department Investigator. The mother does not have any duty to make the child available. There was no court order, nor pending case.
3. The Petition fails to allege any actual abuse or neglect or abandonment. In fact, the Petition fails to date any actions by the Father in paragraph 6.b.
4. The Petition fails to allege any actions by the father that are in the presence of the minor child. The Petition alleges that the father wears “vulgar” clothing, boxers or a
towel to the mailbox, and shorts to answer the doorbell. The allegations do not rise to the level of dependency.

Wherefore, the Parents pray that this Court will dismiss the Petition and grant any other relief deemed proper and appropriate.

++++++++++++++++++++

Our attorney keeps saying how she can't believe that the state is proceeding with this case. They have nothing. N. O. T. H. I. N. G. It is a collassal waste of time and money.

The real reason they have continued with this is because of point 2 above. We refused to jump just because they said 'frog' and tried to make them follow the law. You know, things like following due process, adhering to unimportant little documents like the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

Assholes. They think they are above the law; that the Constitution does not apply to them.

They certainly aren't doing any of this 'in the best interest of the child.'

Dear God. You suck.

NOTE: I wrote the following post yesterday. I was feeling very down and blue and was terribly sorry for myself (why not? who else will feel sorry for me?), but then last night I watched Betty Ford as she said goodbye to her life's partner. She had such grace. She is so strong (this country has had many many first ladies with buckets of courage and grace...seems there must be a few posts in that). I know that I will come out of this mess on the other side. I know that I will and can carry on. But I am sure that there will be times when I feel like the world is stomping all over me. The following post reflects that.

- sheilah

==========================

I am going to borrow Cecily’s letter from a few years ago: Dear God. You suck.

I hate this. I usually love the holidays but this year I didn’t do anything for Christmas. Before all this crap happened I had such nice plans. A nice quiet Thanksgiving at home with turkey and all the trimmings. Then maybe stay home for Christmas too. Or maybe go to Houston to be with B’s brother and family for a few days and then home again.

That’s what I want to do next year. I want to be at home with my little family. I know I don’t want to go to the in-laws (I just have trouble with MIL & FIL…I like B’s brothers & sister). The visit this year was as excruciating as I thought it would be. The first 4 days in Houston were fine and would have been plenty for me. It was the last 5 in Austin that almost made me take a jump off a nearby bridge. If it hadn’t been for the fact that MIL & FIL now have custody of MY SON and I need to be SUPERVISED to be with him, I would have left after a day. I stayed only to be with E.

He can sense that they do not like me (never have…MIL disliked me after seeing me ONCE for about 10 minutes…not a good relationship with her at all). He asked me on numerous occasions, “Do grandma and grandpa like you?” I didn’t want to lie and I didn't want to tell him the truth so I just told him how much they loved him.

It didn’t help that I have been so sad and emotional and weepy either. E asked me more than once, “Are you sad, mommy?” I hated to lie to him but I didn’t want to make him sad too. It’s bad enough that I cried in front of him. He was so sweet. He held me and stroked my hair and said, “Don’t cry, mommy.” He is such a good, kind boy.

God, will this nightmare ever end?

Back home again...

Back in Florida again. Hard without E. He is still in Texas with grandparents. I miss that little guy every day.

While those CPS jerks had him some dumbshit said something to him about never seeing his mommy again. He asked B that the day after we got him home again ("will I ever see mommy again?"). I didn't find out about that comment until Christmas Eve.

That explained why E didn't even want me out of his sight. He followed me around and was angry when I walked away from him (into the kitchen, into the office, the bathroom, etc.).

What kind of an asshole would say that to a 3-year old?

Discovery

Well, the 'discovery' was every bit as stupid as I thought it would be. It all seems to prove OUR case!! They have E's medical records (which our lawyer gave to them after I gave them to her) showing that all of his pedes have thought that E was completely healthy with no sign of abuse.

They had some child psychologist, supposedly an expert in questioning children, evaluate E. His findings?

"The child is intelligent and disclosed no physical DV* b/w the parents."

In this discovery, their own workers describe E as "bright", "articulate", "happy", and "healthy" with "no signs of abuse."

Why the f!#$! won't these people give my boy back!!!?????

*DV = domestic violence

Court

Yesterday we appeared in court to go before the judge and say "Balderdash!" (well, okay, we said 'Deny' because that is the terminology in these types of cases). Now it is up to the prosecution to prove that somehow we did something that put E "in imminent danger of abuse, neglect, or abandonment."

We finally received discovery from the other side. I am going to pick it up from our attorney later this morning. I will look through it tonight VERY carefully and make notes on everything that they got wrong (they served us papers with Evan's birthdate as 11/25/1998, our address was wrong, my name was wrong, and many more errors...how careless and stupid are these people??!!!).

The prosecution has stipulated that E can come home if B's mother comes out from Texas and stays with us. They first will have to do a 'home study' to make sure we have picked the guns, knives and hypodermic needles up off of the floor and we don't store our drugs and alcohol in baby bottles and milk cartons...you know...that sort of stuff.

You know how much I will LOVE living with my MIL (blech) but at least E will be out of foster care.

The pre-trial is set for January 4th.

...and the saga continues...

Really, really bad place

This could possibly be the worst holiday season ever in my life topping even the year my mother died (3 days before Christmas, 1989).

We have the ass-holiest neighbors in the history of the world. They have been so neighborly as to call the Department of Children and Families who have swooped down and removed my child from my home because my husband wears shorts. E is sitting in a foster home while we fight the crappy state of Florida, the state that has the highest incidence of removing children from their parent's homes (they received $3.5 million dollars from the Federal government for this).

All DCF has is an anonymous phone call saying that B wears shorts in the neighborhood. I kid you not!!! If anyone has a burning interest I will email you the full text of the allegations.


Anyway, here is Evan's birthday photograph, taken in the 'nurturing center' where we get one 1-hour supervised visit per week with him.

Bet you didn't know that Florida has a dress code and if you don't abide by it they take away your children.

Bad Times on a Thanksgiving Day

Feeling really sad and depressed. We have been put in a horrible situation because our neighbor is an ass.

I think Jen from Jennsylvania throws dog poop in her nasty neighbor's yard.

Sounds like a grand idea.

Texas Time

We are leaving tomorrow for Texas. I have somewhat mixed feelings about it. The last time in Texas things were not always so nice. I get along well enough with my in-laws, I suppose. I just don't think we should spend too much time there. It always turns out badly. I guess it is true that fish and guests begin to smell after 3 days.

I want E to know his grandparents, but it seems they bring out the worst in B. B and his mom are like oil and water. They cannot be together for very long before things start to get explosive. It doesn't help that his parents are so constantly critical. I am able to tune it out and walk away but B cannot do that. It makes for a very uncomfortable time.

I wish we were just staying home.

Don't eat here

Feeling kind of bummed out today but I thought I would pass on probably one of the last places in the world I would go to eat.

All I can say is EWWWWW!!!

How much is enough?

I have been thinking about this for a long time. This is what B and I fight argue scream disagree have discussions about the most.

How much is enough?

I make an okay salary. It's not great, but it's okay. Yeah, I am probably underpaid, unappreciated (who isn't?) but I have a comfortable salary. I am being paid quite a bit less than at my previous job but when ya got nothin' somethin' is pretty good.

But you see, we have no debt. Let me repeat that: WE HAVE NO DEBT. We have no credit card debt, we don't have a car loan, we even own our home outright (free and clear, no mortgage). We have six months CASH in the bank (in CDs) as well as some less-accessible money market funds. We are saving for retirement (401K and IRAs) and for E's college.

B is not happy with that. He wants to find me a better-paying job. Probably Somewhere-That-Is-Not-Here.

I don't want to move. I'm not saying that I don't EVER want to move but we have moved so much in recent years that I am content to stay here for a while. E is not even 4 years old and he has already lived in 6 states. He needs some stability.

And I need to rest.

Why can't B understand that?

Another birthday

Happy Birthday to me.

Big deal.

Anniversaries, and Thanksgiving, and lost jobs, oh my...

Fair warning: This post is going to be sad and depressing...

I'll start out with anniversaries. This month (November) is the anniversary of when I first started my blog. It was November 23, 2004 that I started flinging my tiny thoughts out into the internet ether. Now I never thought I would become Dooce, or Tertia or grrl, but I thought I might have a few people who tuned in on my less-than-regularly scheduled brain farts. I just wish someone would leave a comment or two. *sigh* I feel as though I am talking to myself. I will keep plugging away because I am just foolish that way. But, hey! If you're out there, gimme some feedback already!!

Geez, what a whiner I am. There are starving people in the world without internet access at all!! There are even poor people who must use dial-up. DIAL-UP!

Poor buggers...

Okay, on to Thanksgiving. This must rank as one of the crappiest Thanksgiving holidays I have ever had the misfortune to experience. My marriage has passed from merely being unpleasant to being depressing and horrible. We need some serious marriage counselling and B seriously needs a class in anger management.

Which brings me to lost jobs. B has cost me yet another job. He sent an email to my last employer which cost me my job and I had an excellent interview on Tuesday before the holiday and was basically told that I had the job. They just wanted me to meet the big boss today before I got the big okay and could start. B sent an email (representing himself as me as he often does) and the agency called early this morning and cancelled the interview and the job opportunity. Lovely.

I am seriously depressed and sad. Marriage ending (possibly), jobless, Christmas approaching...

Crying now...god could it get any worse...??