Thursday, April 13, 2006


Well, gee, Cecily asked me how I was doing and I need to add a post to my blog so I thought I would answer her here.

Well, first of all, she didn't just ask me, of course, but everyone who reads her blog...which is the entire universe. Well, maybe not quite, but her readership so far surpasses mine that we are not even on the same planet (except of course we are...).

Anyway, I guess I am okay. Except (you knew there would be an 'except', didn't you?) that I think that E is getting a cold which will mean, of course, that I will get a cold. Great.

Also just got chewed out by my boss for taking a little extra at lunch (had to go pick up E at his pre-school - which closed at noon today - and drive him to his babysitter - damn Easter). Of course it doesn't help that since B is somewhere in middle America driving our crap down from Seattle I have not been the THIRD PERSON IN EVERY MORNING this week like I usually am nor have I been THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE like I am about half of the time. After all, we are REQUIRED to put in nine (9) hours each day (even though we only get PAID for eight (8) which bites). Great.

It also doesn't help that I am nervous as hell as I am coming up on my 3 month anniversary with this company at which time they decide whether to keep or toss which only helps to UP MY STRESS LEVEL. Great.

So all in all, I guess I am GREAT.

Thanks for asking.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Letters in the Mail

I received a letter in the mail this week that stirred up some really conflicted feelings.

I have always wanted 2 children. When I was young I would picture myself with my two little ones (a girl and a boy, naturally) and I would be content.

Then I grew up. And met a man that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. After 8 years (eight years!! Tick tick), we were making marriage plans when he decided that he “loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me.” How trite is that? God I hate that expression!!!!

Then a few years went by and I met another man that I felt would be ‘the one.’ Seven years later we got married (tick tick). Then he wanted to wait for children (tick tick). Three years later, we are at the RE (tick tick) and I spent the next 6 years trying to have a baby (tick tick). It is now 3 years later (tick tick) and I received in the mail the renewal for storage for the embryos that were created with our son. We have 10 on ice.

I had a very easy pregnancy. I was not sick a single day. I did not have gestational diabetes, or pre-eclampsia (despite my doctor’s fears), or hemorrhoids or any of the thousands of problems that can come up when pregnant. I had some swelling in my ankles, some numbness in my fingertips and in the last month some heartburn.

That is it.

Oh, there were plenty of worries, mostly having to do with the fact that neither my husband nor I were working at the time. We had a $1200/month mortgage, a $600/month medical insurance payment and I was getting $400/week in unemployment. Figure it out. It was pretty dicy there for awhile. In between twice a week non-stress tests (because of my pre-existing high blood pressure) I was flying around the country on interview trips.

But I was good at being pregnant. And I loved feeling my son move. I don’t think I appreciated it at the time (because of the $$$$ worries) but I really liked being pregnant.

But I am not 25 years old (…or 35…or 45…). And my marriage is far from ideal (we put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional).

I think I know what we have to do.

But it makes me cry for the little girl who wanted two children.

I am crying for her now.