2006 Meme

I think I will jump on the bandwagon and do the latest meme that is going around (far be it from me to buck the trend...besides it is an easy post and one designed not to be too depressing...see how I look out after my readers...?)

This meme involves listing the first line of the first post from every month last year. See? I told you. Easy peasy.

January 2006
We are currently on the road on the way from Seattle to Florida.

February
I missed the whole blog war.

March 2006
I am going on a business trip to Philadelphia.

April 2006
I received a letter in the mail this week that stirred up some really conflicted feelings.

May 2006
A joke...since I can't think of anything else to blog about...

June 2006
So. I'll bet my legions of readers* are wondering, 'How goes the potty training?

July 2006
I have always loved the following story.

August 2006
I was reading the other day about some poor schmuck that got fired by text message.

September 2006
(Bad blogger...no posts in September...)

October 2006
The polls are open.

November 2006
Feeling kind of bummed out today but I thought I would pass on probably one of the last places in the world I would go to eat.

December 2006
This could possibly be the worst holiday season ever in my life topping even the year my mother died (3 days before Christmas, 1989).

Feel free to go back and revisit any of this scintillating reading...

(tomorrow I will update about today's court hearing...for now let's just revel in the easy...)

Love Thursday - my Gemma

So, it's Love Thursday again. I'm gonna have to go back to the vault once more (gotta get my camera fixed, DAMN!) and put up one for my sweet little kitty.

My little Gemma died last year at about 17 years old. She was such a sweet cat. She loved to be held and would start purring when you just touched her.

I miss my kitty.

Love Thursday

I would like to join in with Love Thursday. I want to go back and visit something that speaks of love for me.

My mother was a very 'crafty' person. She could take a cardboard box and some string and make something fun and beautiful from it. I have a little of her talent can follow directions (I have to have a pattern or some guidance a kit). It was amazing that she could 'see' in her mind what she wanted and then she just mashed it together out of nothing and created something. We used to go to fabric and craft shops together almost every Saturday. That is one of the most vivid memories I have of my mother - wandering through the craft shops looking for the perfect piece of fabric or best ribbon or flower.

So I dedicate this Love Thursday to my mother. I can still feel her beside me whenever I go to get some embroidery floss or a skein of yarn. It makes trips to Joann's or Michael's almost a pilgrimmage.

That's why, for me, craft stores say love. A mother's love for her children for all the clothes she lovingly made for us. A mother's love for her friends for all of the corsages and centerpieces she created. A mother's love for her daughter who she instilled with a desire to create things with her hands.

I miss you, Mom.

Of Baptisms and memories...

In honor of Tori's baptism, I will bring you memories of E's baptism.

I made his outfit out of satin (I wish I had thought to use my wedding dress. What a lovely idea...oh, well...). I embroidered a cross on front of it and there is embroidery on the collar. During the ceremony he cried all the time mommy held him. As soon as I passed him to the pastor, he stopped crying and stared. *sigh* A mother's disappointment

I. Love. This. Picture.

New Post, Part 2 - I was robbed...

Now I posted that story yesterday to talk about being robbed. Oh, no, not of anything monetary, but about a theft of time. This passage from yesterday's post speaks to me:

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

God this is a telling paragraph, especially for someone who experienced infertility. I long for those ten years back that it took to conceive my son. He would be 13 years old now! I keep thinking that if I had been 10 years younger when I had him that I might be here to see his children graduate from high school. But I'm not. I will be lucky to see his children graduate elementary school.

I know. I know. If we had had him at another time it wouldn't be him that we have. And I wouldn't trade This Precious Child for anything. I love him so hard it hurts when I think of it. I cried when I read Amalah's post about loving her child. And this picture simply screams mother love.

But it doesn't stop me from wishing...

I want to see what kind of man he will become. I want to see him fall in love and marry. I hope to see the husband and father that he will be.

It makes me wish that I believed in an afterlife so that even if I can't be here for him that I can at least watch him grow up. I need to see him grow up. I need those years back.

Infertility stole time from my son.

And that makes me mad.

And sad.

Father's Day

This is what we did on Father's Day.

Evan had lots of fun.




.

Job Tales

I don't know if this is the worst job I ever had but it comes with a couple of the best stories. It was the second job I ever held, right after high school. I worked at a Winchell's Donut House on Queen Anne hill in Seattle. I was working the 10PM - 6AM shift and going to school at the University of Washington at the same time (this graveyard shift is what led to my falling asleep almost every day in my 10:30 AM physics class...but that is another story).

Working graveyard shift in a place that is open to the public brings in some very interesting people. There was the guy who wore more makeup than I did. He looked a bit like William Shakespeare only with bleach-blonde hair and a fine fine manicure. Whenever he came in (he was a regular), I always called him 'Bill' to myself. He would sit down at a table with a donut and a cup of coffee and talk to himself.

Then there were the two guys that came in together a lot. One looked a lot like Charles Manson and the other looked like Captain Pike (from the original Star Trek...after his horrible accident).

We also had our share of 'Seattle's finest' - yes, police do eat donuts...especially if it is one of the only places open so late at night. Sometimes they just drove up into the parking lot. We were usually glad to see them...especially after we got robbed...twice.

The first time they robbed our shop, my best friend at the time was there alone. They made her crawl on her hands and knees to the back of the shop as they made their getaway.

The second time I was there also alone although I got off much easier than my friend. A woman (yes, a woman) came in and asked for all the money in the drawer. I didn't see a gun or anything and I hesitated for about a half a second thinking maybe I should ask her if she had a gun or a knife. I didn't though. I was afraid it might piss her off and there wasn't much money anyway. I gave her the bills in the till and then asked her if she wanted the change too. She said 'No' and then left.

I didn't think to offer her a donut.

Letters in the Mail

I received a letter in the mail this week that stirred up some really conflicted feelings.

I have always wanted 2 children. When I was young I would picture myself with my two little ones (a girl and a boy, naturally) and I would be content.

Then I grew up. And met a man that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. After 8 years (eight years!! Tick tick), we were making marriage plans when he decided that he “loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me.” How trite is that? God I hate that expression!!!!

Then a few years went by and I met another man that I felt would be ‘the one.’ Seven years later we got married (tick tick). Then he wanted to wait for children (tick tick). Three years later, we are at the RE (tick tick) and I spent the next 6 years trying to have a baby (tick tick). It is now 3 years later (tick tick) and I received in the mail the renewal for storage for the embryos that were created with our son. We have 10 on ice.

I had a very easy pregnancy. I was not sick a single day. I did not have gestational diabetes, or pre-eclampsia (despite my doctor’s fears), or hemorrhoids or any of the thousands of problems that can come up when pregnant. I had some swelling in my ankles, some numbness in my fingertips and in the last month some heartburn.

That is it.

Oh, there were plenty of worries, mostly having to do with the fact that neither my husband nor I were working at the time. We had a $1200/month mortgage, a $600/month medical insurance payment and I was getting $400/week in unemployment. Figure it out. It was pretty dicy there for awhile. In between twice a week non-stress tests (because of my pre-existing high blood pressure) I was flying around the country on interview trips.

But I was good at being pregnant. And I loved feeling my son move. I don’t think I appreciated it at the time (because of the $$$$ worries) but I really liked being pregnant.

But I am not 25 years old (…or 35…or 45…). And my marriage is far from ideal (we put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional).

I think I know what we have to do.

But it makes me cry for the little girl who wanted two children.

I am crying for her now.

Dangerous and Stupid

Yesterday Cecily posted about things she has done that are Dangerous and Stupid. Sheesh, I am such a little wimp that I can't even think of a single thing that would fit into her post. Don't get me wrong, I have done quite a few stupid things, but nothing really dangerous and stupid.

Probably the stupidest thing I did was take almost 20 years to finish my college education (yep...I have about 10 thousand credits). Then the next stupidest was to wait for a man to make up his mind. If he can't make a decision after 2 years, hit the bricks, buster!

Well, Wait a minute, I did think of something. We - the three women I went to Hawaii with WAAAAYYY back 25 years ago - did pick up a man at the Honolulu airport and let him spend the night in the house we were at (he slept in a room alone - really). That was pretty stupid, I guess. We were lucky his name wasn't Ted Bundy.

Oh, yeah. I lost 1 (one) pound. Oh, well, down is still down, I guess.

Four things...

A meme from Tess

4 Jobs I have had

1. Waitress
2. Baker
3. Receptionist/helper for an ophthalmologist
4. Software Engineer

4 Neat places I have vacationed

1. Greece
2. Belize
3. The Yucatan Peninsula
4. England

4 Foods I love to eat

1. Fresh tomatoes just picked off the bush
2. Flan/custard/crème brulee
3. Mashed potatoes and gravy (actually potatoes just about any way…including raw)
4. Ice cream (there is this Ben & Jerry’s flavor that is vanilla ice cream with chocolate and caramel….YUMMMM…just rub it over me and watch me squirm to lick it all off…what an image)

4 Television shows I don't like to miss

1. Monk
2. ER
3. Boston Legal (William Shatner is great in this...he pokes fun at himself in almost every episode)
4. Leno on Monday nights so I can watch Headlines

4 Movies I can watch again & again

1. The Shawshank Redemption (what is it about this movie??? I just love it)
2. Casablanca (call me a hopeless romantic)
3. Chicago (great music…Catherine Zeta-Jones is so gorgeous that I would almost turn lesbian for her and Queen Latifah is great in it)
4. Mame (The Lucille Ball version - again I just love the music)

4 Cities I have lived in

1. Seattle
2. Portland (OR)
3. Dallas
4. Jacksonville

4 Book I love to read

1. Anything from the Dragons of Pern by Anne McCaffrey
2. Just about anything by Andre Norton
3. Anything by J.A. Jance (or Sara Paretsky or Sue Grafton)
(…oh! Oh! Or Tony Hillerman)
4. Asimov! Heinlein! Clarke! (okay…classic SF…okay modern too)
5. Also history…especially books on the US Civil War; US Revolutionary War and classic Greece and Rome and ...
6. Archeology!!

Okay…I can’t pick just 4 books.

The ABC's of Me

Got this from Sarah. This was a pretty fun exercise.

• A is for age: old enough to know better
• B is for booze of choice: A good cabernet
• C is for career: Software Engineer
• D is for your dad's name: Virgil
• E is for essential items to bring to a party: Cheese...mmmm...love cheese...
• F is for favorite song at the moment: Beautiful Boy by John Lennon (tho' it's the Celine Dion version that I am wearing out)
• G is for favorite game: To play...probably Scrabble; to watch football or basketball
• H is for hometown: Seattle
• I is for instruments you play: Piano and guitar
• J is for jam or jelly you like: Blackberry or orange marmalade (reminds me of my grandmother)
• K is for kids: 1 son (turns 3 in December)
• L is for living arrangements: Husband Brian, Son, 1 small dog, 1 tiny cat in an apartment.
• M is for mom's name: Donna
• N is for name of your crush: Don't really have one...if I had to say either Mel Gibson or Harrison Ford or Tom Selleck
• O is for overnight hospital stays: When my son was born; when I had an ovary removed; a couple times when I was a kid.
• P is for phobias: none.
• Q is for quotes you like: "The poor man is not he who is without a cent but he who is without a dream" - have loved that since I was a kid
• R is for relationship that lasted the longest: Brian
• S is for sexual preference: hetero.
• T is for time you wake up: 6 am, usually, tho' not by choice (son gets up WAYYY too early). If I had a choice it would probably be 8 or 9 (one of my other favorite quotes is "I would like mornings better if they started later")
• U is for underwear: Hanes cotton thigh cut
• V is for vegetable you love: Garden-fresh tomatoes
• W is for weekend plans: Moving and maybe going to the children's museum in Olympia
• X is for x-rays you've had: Oooo...lots; most recent was my left kneecap...not broken but it still hurts even after more than a month...
• Y is for yummy food you make: lots...am a reasonable cook, but I make a real mean pumpkin pie...
• Z is for zodiac sign: Aquarius

When do you know it's time?

My wonderful, sweet little cat is getting so frail and old (she is 15 years old). Her movements are very slow and calculating. Every step is carefully calculated and placed just so. I suspect her arthritis is making her so careful in her movements. Her previous vet said she had 'some' arthritis in her back. That was two years ago. I think it has gotten much worse.

She has become a very messy eater, sometimes getting food all over her little face. Once a week or so she messes on the floor in the bathroom near her box.

B says we should just have her put down (he is not a 'cat person' nor a very sympathetic or compassionate person - he never really loved an animal).

I don't mind cleaning up after her. If she were in obvious pain or could no longer control her bowels then the decision would be easier.

But for now, she is just old and slow. She still purrs as loud as ever. She still loves to be held and will sleep all night in my arms. In my eyes I see the young Gemma. I love my little cat and will miss her when she is gone.

But I don't want her to be in pain.

So, really, how do you know when it's time?