Just wrong

I am sorry, but this is so fucking wrong it makes my teeth bleed. And while we're speaking of stupid and ridiculous things, take a look at this.

Yep, I am royally pissed off at social services/DCF/CPS (whatever you want to call those twits) that have been harassing us for the last year.

Let's get things straight here: I think these people are idiots. They did not do their job in the beginning. If they had they would have recognized that there was no problem in my household other than living next door to a skanky bitch and her fat-ass husband who made a bogus call to DCF because they were pissed off at us. The only reason DCF continued after us is because B told them to fuck off and I (shall we say) let it be known that I questioned both their intellect and their investigative skills.

I feel another rant coming on.

Rest in Peace, little Micki

Micki died on Saturday morning. I am incredibly sad about it. We only had her 5 days and I already was so attached to her. It is amazing how quickly animals can steal your heart.

She seemed so much better but then on Thursday seemed to take a turn for the worst. She was very listless on Friday. Then on Saturday morning B came into the bedroom saying, "Micki is cold!" She was still alive then. We tried to get her warm. I put some of the vitamin mixture into her mouth and some water. She licked my hand.

B drove to the emergency pet clinic while I held her little body against me, petting her and talking to her. Partway there I said to B, "I can't tell if she is breathing anymore!"

B rushed her into the clinic and they took her to the back. They said she arrived deceased.

Poor little thing. She had such a hard life. I take some comfort that at least for her last week she had a good place to sleep, clean water and good food. And love. And kindness.

I am crying again. Poor little girl.

In the news...

"It's not against the law to wear your underwear!"

Yeah? Tell that to Florida.

More Court Crap

Well, I guess it's time for a little court update. Our appearance on the 4th was really just a formality (again). Sheesh, no wonder the court system is so clogged. It takes 3 or 4 different appearances to get anything done. Our attorney filed a Motion for Dismissal. She doesn't think the judge will dismiss it, but I figure it's worth a try. If the stupid judge actually decided to read the allegations, any of the stuff we have filed or any of the answers to their allegations then this crap would be over, but I don't think he bothers.

What we filed was:

COMES NOW, the parents, XXXXX and XXXXX, by and through their undersigned attorney and move this Court pursuant to Rule 8.235(b), Fla. R. Juv. P., to dismiss the Petition for Dependency for failure to state a cause of action and would state the following in support of their motion:

1. The Petition fails to allege the factual basis for any reasonable efforts made to prevent or eliminate the need for the removal of the child from the home.
2. The Petition fails to allege any allegations of abuse, abandonment or neglect. The allegations are merely that the mother did not make the minor child available to the Department Investigator. The mother does not have any duty to make the child available. There was no court order, nor pending case.
3. The Petition fails to allege any actual abuse or neglect or abandonment. In fact, the Petition fails to date any actions by the Father in paragraph 6.b.
4. The Petition fails to allege any actions by the father that are in the presence of the minor child. The Petition alleges that the father wears “vulgar” clothing, boxers or a
towel to the mailbox, and shorts to answer the doorbell. The allegations do not rise to the level of dependency.

Wherefore, the Parents pray that this Court will dismiss the Petition and grant any other relief deemed proper and appropriate.

++++++++++++++++++++

Our attorney keeps saying how she can't believe that the state is proceeding with this case. They have nothing. N. O. T. H. I. N. G. It is a collassal waste of time and money.

The real reason they have continued with this is because of point 2 above. We refused to jump just because they said 'frog' and tried to make them follow the law. You know, things like following due process, adhering to unimportant little documents like the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

Assholes. They think they are above the law; that the Constitution does not apply to them.

They certainly aren't doing any of this 'in the best interest of the child.'

Dear God. You suck.

NOTE: I wrote the following post yesterday. I was feeling very down and blue and was terribly sorry for myself (why not? who else will feel sorry for me?), but then last night I watched Betty Ford as she said goodbye to her life's partner. She had such grace. She is so strong (this country has had many many first ladies with buckets of courage and grace...seems there must be a few posts in that). I know that I will come out of this mess on the other side. I know that I will and can carry on. But I am sure that there will be times when I feel like the world is stomping all over me. The following post reflects that.

- sheilah

==========================

I am going to borrow Cecily’s letter from a few years ago: Dear God. You suck.

I hate this. I usually love the holidays but this year I didn’t do anything for Christmas. Before all this crap happened I had such nice plans. A nice quiet Thanksgiving at home with turkey and all the trimmings. Then maybe stay home for Christmas too. Or maybe go to Houston to be with B’s brother and family for a few days and then home again.

That’s what I want to do next year. I want to be at home with my little family. I know I don’t want to go to the in-laws (I just have trouble with MIL & FIL…I like B’s brothers & sister). The visit this year was as excruciating as I thought it would be. The first 4 days in Houston were fine and would have been plenty for me. It was the last 5 in Austin that almost made me take a jump off a nearby bridge. If it hadn’t been for the fact that MIL & FIL now have custody of MY SON and I need to be SUPERVISED to be with him, I would have left after a day. I stayed only to be with E.

He can sense that they do not like me (never have…MIL disliked me after seeing me ONCE for about 10 minutes…not a good relationship with her at all). He asked me on numerous occasions, “Do grandma and grandpa like you?” I didn’t want to lie and I didn't want to tell him the truth so I just told him how much they loved him.

It didn’t help that I have been so sad and emotional and weepy either. E asked me more than once, “Are you sad, mommy?” I hated to lie to him but I didn’t want to make him sad too. It’s bad enough that I cried in front of him. He was so sweet. He held me and stroked my hair and said, “Don’t cry, mommy.” He is such a good, kind boy.

God, will this nightmare ever end?

Back home again...

Back in Florida again. Hard without E. He is still in Texas with grandparents. I miss that little guy every day.

While those CPS jerks had him some dumbshit said something to him about never seeing his mommy again. He asked B that the day after we got him home again ("will I ever see mommy again?"). I didn't find out about that comment until Christmas Eve.

That explained why E didn't even want me out of his sight. He followed me around and was angry when I walked away from him (into the kitchen, into the office, the bathroom, etc.).

What kind of an asshole would say that to a 3-year old?

Out of baby jail

E is being 'delivered' to our house tonight. At least he will be out of foster care, but B can not sleep in the house. So he will sleep in my in-law's van.

Is that stupid or what?

Really, really bad place

This could possibly be the worst holiday season ever in my life topping even the year my mother died (3 days before Christmas, 1989).

We have the ass-holiest neighbors in the history of the world. They have been so neighborly as to call the Department of Children and Families who have swooped down and removed my child from my home because my husband wears shorts. E is sitting in a foster home while we fight the crappy state of Florida, the state that has the highest incidence of removing children from their parent's homes (they received $3.5 million dollars from the Federal government for this).

All DCF has is an anonymous phone call saying that B wears shorts in the neighborhood. I kid you not!!! If anyone has a burning interest I will email you the full text of the allegations.


Anyway, here is Evan's birthday photograph, taken in the 'nurturing center' where we get one 1-hour supervised visit per week with him.

Bet you didn't know that Florida has a dress code and if you don't abide by it they take away your children.

Sleep Talk

Lotta talk lately about sleep and sleep issues.

E used to be great at sleeping in his crib. The move to his 'big boy bed' was kind of hellish hectic though.

Then I watched a Super Nanny episode in which she espoused these rules:

1. Put child to bed. Read a story. Hug. Cuddle. Kiss. Turn out light. Leave room.
When child gets up:
2. The first time the child wakes, take him/her back to bed explaining, "It's bedtime. Stay in bed, sweetie." Kiss. Tuck in. Turn out light. Leave room.
The next time the child wakes up:
3. Lead child back to bed. Do not talk to him/her. No kiss. No hug. Tuck into bed. Turn out light. Leave room.
The next time the child wakes up:
4. Lead child back to bed. Do not talk to him/her. No kiss. No hug. Tuck into bed. Turn out light. Leave room.
The next time the child wakes up:
5. Lead child back to bed. Do not talk to him/her. No kiss. No hug. Tuck into bed. Turn out light. Leave room.

...etc...

For E, the first night it took about an hour of putting him back to bed. The next night it took about 30 mins and the third night, he stayed in bed.

Then we left Albuquerque and there was six months of living in hotel rooms. Since we have been back in a house and E has had his own room, he has insisted that I sleep with him.

I'm not even sure if this will work with him at this age. He was only 2.5 years old the last time. Will this technique work on an almost 4-year old?

I just hate going through all the crying and fussing again but I really can't keep sleeping with him. I get nothing done in the evening because in spite of all my good intentions of staying with him until he falls asleep and then getting up again, half the time I wind up falling asleep anyway. And then when I do get up he invariably wakes up about 11PM throwing a fit that I am not with him.

Pah! I'm just gonna hafta bite the bullet and try what worked in the past. Crap!!

Pray for me.

Painful

I am taking a class to hopefully finish my master's degree. We had a great lesson last night.

How Not to Give a Presentation:

1. Don't know your material
2. Read, verbatim, all of your slides
3. Read from your paper anything NOT on your slides
4. Don't know your material
5. Don't speak to your slides
6. Use words you don't know
7. Don't know your material
8. Mispronounce the words you don't know
9. Don't know your material

I really felt bad for him. Especially when the professor asked him a question directly from his slides. He couldn't answer it.

It was painful.

So sad

Manuela has lost her little Shoelet.

Go give her a hug.

Bad Job

I was reading the other day about some poor schmuck that got fired by text message. Come on! How freaking tacky is that?!! The idiot company says it was 'keeping in touch with youth culture' by firing someone while they were out sick. Yeah. Sure. Some wimpy-ass manager was too chicken to tell her in person so they wimped-out and sent a text message.

This reminds me of the time my brother got fired while he was on vacation. Okay, technically they fired him on his first day back but it was still lame-assed. He had worked for that crappy company (Seattle Filmworks) for like 6 or 7 years and the first time he takes a vacation they get someone at 3/4 his salary and give him the boot. That sucks big donkey testicles.

This was years ago and it still fries my cookies.

Sad things

There are some sad things that are happening in the internet that I know. Some people whose blogs I read and some who I have just discovered.

If you are religious, say a prayer for Elizabeth and her family. And for cancerbaby and her family. They need all the strength that this little corner of the internet can give them.

Great

Well, gee, Cecily asked me how I was doing and I need to add a post to my blog so I thought I would answer her here.

Well, first of all, she didn't just ask me, of course, but everyone who reads her blog...which is the entire universe. Well, maybe not quite, but her readership so far surpasses mine that we are not even on the same planet (except of course we are...).

Anyway, I guess I am okay. Except (you knew there would be an 'except', didn't you?) that I think that E is getting a cold which will mean, of course, that I will get a cold. Great.

Also just got chewed out by my boss for taking a little extra at lunch (had to go pick up E at his pre-school - which closed at noon today - and drive him to his babysitter - damn Easter). Of course it doesn't help that since B is somewhere in middle America driving our crap down from Seattle I have not been the THIRD PERSON IN EVERY MORNING this week like I usually am nor have I been THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE like I am about half of the time. After all, we are REQUIRED to put in nine (9) hours each day (even though we only get PAID for eight (8) which bites). Great.

It also doesn't help that I am nervous as hell as I am coming up on my 3 month anniversary with this company at which time they decide whether to keep or toss which only helps to UP MY STRESS LEVEL. Great.

So all in all, I guess I am GREAT.

Thanks for asking.

Letters in the Mail

I received a letter in the mail this week that stirred up some really conflicted feelings.

I have always wanted 2 children. When I was young I would picture myself with my two little ones (a girl and a boy, naturally) and I would be content.

Then I grew up. And met a man that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. After 8 years (eight years!! Tick tick), we were making marriage plans when he decided that he “loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me.” How trite is that? God I hate that expression!!!!

Then a few years went by and I met another man that I felt would be ‘the one.’ Seven years later we got married (tick tick). Then he wanted to wait for children (tick tick). Three years later, we are at the RE (tick tick) and I spent the next 6 years trying to have a baby (tick tick). It is now 3 years later (tick tick) and I received in the mail the renewal for storage for the embryos that were created with our son. We have 10 on ice.

I had a very easy pregnancy. I was not sick a single day. I did not have gestational diabetes, or pre-eclampsia (despite my doctor’s fears), or hemorrhoids or any of the thousands of problems that can come up when pregnant. I had some swelling in my ankles, some numbness in my fingertips and in the last month some heartburn.

That is it.

Oh, there were plenty of worries, mostly having to do with the fact that neither my husband nor I were working at the time. We had a $1200/month mortgage, a $600/month medical insurance payment and I was getting $400/week in unemployment. Figure it out. It was pretty dicy there for awhile. In between twice a week non-stress tests (because of my pre-existing high blood pressure) I was flying around the country on interview trips.

But I was good at being pregnant. And I loved feeling my son move. I don’t think I appreciated it at the time (because of the $$$$ worries) but I really liked being pregnant.

But I am not 25 years old (…or 35…or 45…). And my marriage is far from ideal (we put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional).

I think I know what we have to do.

But it makes me cry for the little girl who wanted two children.

I am crying for her now.

Anniversaries, and Thanksgiving, and lost jobs, oh my...

Fair warning: This post is going to be sad and depressing...

I'll start out with anniversaries. This month (November) is the anniversary of when I first started my blog. It was November 23, 2004 that I started flinging my tiny thoughts out into the internet ether. Now I never thought I would become Dooce, or Tertia or grrl, but I thought I might have a few people who tuned in on my less-than-regularly scheduled brain farts. I just wish someone would leave a comment or two. *sigh* I feel as though I am talking to myself. I will keep plugging away because I am just foolish that way. But, hey! If you're out there, gimme some feedback already!!

Geez, what a whiner I am. There are starving people in the world without internet access at all!! There are even poor people who must use dial-up. DIAL-UP!

Poor buggers...

Okay, on to Thanksgiving. This must rank as one of the crappiest Thanksgiving holidays I have ever had the misfortune to experience. My marriage has passed from merely being unpleasant to being depressing and horrible. We need some serious marriage counselling and B seriously needs a class in anger management.

Which brings me to lost jobs. B has cost me yet another job. He sent an email to my last employer which cost me my job and I had an excellent interview on Tuesday before the holiday and was basically told that I had the job. They just wanted me to meet the big boss today before I got the big okay and could start. B sent an email (representing himself as me as he often does) and the agency called early this morning and cancelled the interview and the job opportunity. Lovely.

I am seriously depressed and sad. Marriage ending (possibly), jobless, Christmas approaching...

Crying now...god could it get any worse...??

When do you know it's time?

My wonderful, sweet little cat is getting so frail and old (she is 15 years old). Her movements are very slow and calculating. Every step is carefully calculated and placed just so. I suspect her arthritis is making her so careful in her movements. Her previous vet said she had 'some' arthritis in her back. That was two years ago. I think it has gotten much worse.

She has become a very messy eater, sometimes getting food all over her little face. Once a week or so she messes on the floor in the bathroom near her box.

B says we should just have her put down (he is not a 'cat person' nor a very sympathetic or compassionate person - he never really loved an animal).

I don't mind cleaning up after her. If she were in obvious pain or could no longer control her bowels then the decision would be easier.

But for now, she is just old and slow. She still purrs as loud as ever. She still loves to be held and will sleep all night in my arms. In my eyes I see the young Gemma. I love my little cat and will miss her when she is gone.

But I don't want her to be in pain.

So, really, how do you know when it's time?