Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Wordless Wednesday: I got nothin...

A picture of a cute kid is always appropriate...

Monday, February 22, 2010

So Cool

Well, folks, it looks like very soon I am going to be very, very wealthy. Yes I have been invited to go into the oil business with a company doing business in venezuela. I will be a 'patner' with Ms. Briggs and look forward to dumping buckets of money into my bank account.

My name is Mel Diana Briggs, an engineer/geologist. I own Rocket OilServices, a support company to Shell Petroleum Dev Company. My company doesoil prospecting, oil site reading and shallow exploration for shell. I amcurrently in Venezuela where i have had the opportunity to do oil deals with
a few sister company explorers, and a few indigenous oil rig engineers.
Together, we engage in oil deals which involve bunkerring and quick syphoning of crude oil through specially rented barges to Mexico and Chile.
Proceeds from the oil sales are paid for in Dollars and eventually wired through the Venezuellan banks to banks in England. Payments are made this
way due to the hard-line policies of Hugo Chavez(venezuelan president) whohas launched an animosity against america and some of their allies. By way of rigorous transfer of funds, i lose so much of my share of the proceeds from sales because this is a secret deal which Shell is not aware of.
Already, proceeds made from sales amount to $80million. And due to local restrictions in Venezuela, i cannot invest these monies here because of my
imigration status. As such, i need a patner whom i can work with for the movement and investment of these monies. I need someone i can trust as a
patner, who will assist me in moving this money, and whose company name we are going to use in investing the money into more lucrative businesses.
For your participation: you shall get 20% of the $80million before the investment proper. And if you wish to be part of the lucrative investments
mentioned above, we shall talk better terms. Please do let me know your position on this proposal so that we can proceed.
I am preparing to quit my job and have put money down on a new Porche. See you all in the Swiss Alps.

Friday, February 19, 2010


It seems I am always working on some crafty thing or other. For instance this past Christmas when I should have been working on this:

...and I was working on this instead:

I haven't quite decided what to do with that little birth announcement thingy. I initially started it for E (since he is now seven years old I thought it might be time to finish one of these for him), but I found another one in my stash that I might make for him. I might put this up on Etsy (yes, I have a shop there tho' I haven't put anything up for sale there or anything...) but I am sure I can't get out of it the effort I put in to it (I'll bet there are a couple of hundred of hours of work in that). Even if I charged a hundred dollars for it (would someone pay a hundred dollars for that??), I am making way less than a buck an hour. Not exactly a get rich quick scheme.

After I finished the birth thingy I went back to the Christmas stocking (obviously didn't finish it in time for Christmas but I will for this year). Anyway...then I found out that my niece was going to have a baby, so I made this:

(yes, I ran out of blue ONE ROW before finishing; I think it looks good this way too...)

I made a little pair of booties too (I can finish a pair of those in an evening) and am trying to decide what I want to make next for her.

Oh, yeah...E decided he wanted me to make a quilt for him. I have the top almost all done (no pic yet...maybe next week). It is a pattern called 'radiating squares' and looks pretty cool.

Well, that is some of what I do in my spare time.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

PG-rated swear words

Was thinking the other day about swear words (obviously I have too much time on my hands). I have a child now and although I was never a real big cusser (it still makes me uncomfortable to actually say the 'f' word...although I can write it: fuck - see?), I think that I have to stop saying at least the Big Ones: shit, damn and hell. And the 'f' word, of course, fuck (heh...that probably upped my hit count...).

I should probably also cut out fart and bitch. I use them way too much. Someone once said that adding a yummy food group after a derogatory makes it less dirty. Terms such as:

  • twatwaffle
  • cuntpickle
  • skankmuffin
  • whorecracker
are funnier than they are dirty.

The word 'douche', while itself not really a dirty word becomes funny/demeaning/dirty when different beginnings or endings are added:
  • douchewizzle
  • douchebag
  • douche canoe
  • douchefish
  • flaming douchebag
  • douche-a-rooney
Adding 'knocker' after words makes them funny/dirty:
  • fartknocker
  • bitchknocker
  • doucheknocker
The word 'crap' (which I would not consider particularly dirty seems to have made some list at my 7-year old's school as he chastised me for using it the other day) lends itself to adding an interesting ending as in:
  • craptastic
  • crapalicious
  • crappity crap crap
I have always loved "smarmy bastard." It just seems to roll off the tongue (e.g. "...he was such a smarmy bastard I simply wanted to hurl..."). Lately "batshit crazy" has been a favorite of mine as well.

These are not really swear words, but they are funny:
  • dillweed
  • dorkfish
Okay, now I have shared some of my favorites, I wanna hear some more...anyone?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Wordless Wednesday: WTF, Amazon?

Was this really the best choice of box for shipping this item??

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Battle of the Sexes

She: "Gigolo"

He: "Cougar"

She: "He says that like it's a bad thing"

Friday, February 12, 2010


I finally got around to downloading some pics from my camera the other day (okay, it was yesterday) and guess what? I found some Christmas pictures! Guess what I was doing on Christmas morning?

Yes. I am a nerd. Yes. I am the one who puts this crap together. Yes. I am insane.

But at least I am coordinated:

Thursday, February 11, 2010

We got some snow...

Yes, we did. The first winter blast of snow last weekend was a cake walk compared to what we got hit with on Wednesday. First of all, it was a Saturday. I had to convince B that there would be no hockey on that day but other than that, we had plenty of food, never lost power and we got along just fine and dandy.

When it started to come down on Tuesday, after B picked me up from work we needed to make an emergency grocery stop (milk and forgawdssake TOILET PAPER). It didn’t really snow too much that evening and when I went to bed about 11 we had gotten maybe an inch? Maybe? Nah, this storm ain’t nothin’. Hah! I say to you, storm! You are beneath me!! Mother Nature, I fart in your general direction.

Well, she must have heard me and Mother Nature, she is a bitch. On Wednesday morning, we had been blessed with about another foot of snow. And still it was snowing.

You know, sometimes I don’t think that B has the sense God gave a duck. “Get ready for work! Get E ready for school!”

Me (logging onto the computer SINCE WE DON’T HAVE A TV AND CAN’T WATCH THE NEWS): “Ummm…school is cancelled today. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out in this.”

“Nonsense! I will go dig the car out. Look! A snowplow just came by!”


And still it was snowing.

I get to work. There were maybe 10 people there. We all congratulated each other on our stupidity pluck and determination. And still it was snowing.

The VP came around at 9:45 and said, “We are closing in 10 minutes. Go home. Drive carefully. May God have mercy on your souls” (okay, he didn't say that last but he should have). I asked if we get a special prize (I did. I'm just that way...). I call B to come and pick me up.

(An aside: while waiting to be picked up I saw no less than 6 snowplows drive by - NONE OF THEM PLOWING. What's up with that? Are they all running back to their snowplow diner to smile and laugh at the the morons who were stupid enough to be out in this insane weather?)

The trip home was pretty dicey. The roads really sucked. Visibility was near zero at some times. I think that B was driving using sheer instinct and prayer. Me? I was hanging on to the door frame and pushing my invisible brakes through the floorboards. I was screaming in my head OHMYGAWD, OHMYGAWD, I CAN’T SEE THE ROAD! OHMYGAWD, OHMYGAWD while calmly saying to E, “Please don’t disturb daddy, sweetie. These are really bad road conditions.” OHMYGAWD!!!!! WE’RE GONNA DIIIIEEEE!

Well, we didn’t die. We didn’t crash. We made it home fine. And this morning we found…

This is our car. AFTER B had shoveled the car out. There is a tiny path just the width of a single snow shovel from our door to the parking lot.

This is (one of) the giant piles of snow where the snow plows dumped it.

This is the giant pile of snow in front of our building. Yesterday we couldn't even open the front door.This is our patio. The snow hits E about hip level, making it something over 2 feet (I am guessing something like 2.5).

So much for global warming...

Monday, February 08, 2010

Very Effective

This is a very effective commercial. Yeah. I wish everyone saw me like my dog does.

Saturday, February 06, 2010