Another Installment

Hmmm...huh? What? It is nearly the ides of November and I have not even thought of NaBloPoMo. Well, my excuse is that there have been many changes here at the Home, mostly good changes and just a few NotSoGood.

Things that have changed:

1. Got laid off
2. Started a new, better job
3. In a new state
4. Back in the Pacific NW
5. Not in Washington
6. Or Oregon
7. Okay, less Pacific than simply NW
8. DCF is off our backs
9. They have terminated the supervision
10. Less than a month ago they were trying to take E again
11. Somehow we are no longer a threat to our child
12. Even though we did nothing different
13. We are magically okay now
14. Assholes
    

Things we gotta decide:

1. WTF do we do with our house in Florida
2. Sell it?
3. Rent it?
4. Burn it?
5. Okay, I'm not serious about the last, but I don't wanna keep it
6. And we don't wanna lose money on it
7. I think we should sell it
8. And what about those embroyos in storage?
9. Am I too old for a transfer?
10. Or should we go for it?
    

Stay tuned for more excitement on...As the Stomach Turns...

The RE's office

I am glad that I am not in the full throes of infertility hell right now because getting to my new RE's office is an every infertile's worst nightmare, truly a gauntlet of epic proportions.

To get there you first enter the hospital building and one of the first things you see is the sign for the Maternity Ward. Now for an infertile in the midst of infertility-hell even seeing the words "Maternity Ward" can make what is ordinarily a cool, calm professional woman turn into a red-eyed, slobbering puddle of bitterness and vileness.

Then you must pass the Gift Shop. The Gift Shop next to the MATERNITY WARD. This shop is not filled with cheery "Get Well Soon" cards or sappy "So You're In the Hospital..." cards. No. No. It is filled with little blue and pink teddy bears proclaiming "It's a Boy!" and "It's a Girl!", "Congratulations, Mom!" cards and flowers proclaiming, "Welcome to your Bundle of Joy!" All of that pastel pink, blue and yellow just makes me want to puke!

Holy crap, it can still turn me into a bitter infertile. You know her...she has put in a year of two of 'trying' (yeah, like SEX will get you pregnant - HAHAHAHA), four or five cycles of chlomid (every gal's first choice), mix in a couple of IUI cycles and throw in 2 or 3 failed IVF cycles and you can get one bitter, bitter woman.

After you pass the den of depression that is the Gift Shop, you enter the elevator. And never alone. No. You are always in there with some happy people carrying flowers and smiling about the new little family member. PAH! To a bitter, barren infertile all that smiling and pink and blue just makes her want to slug someone.

I am so glad I am over that.

Mount 'er up!

Well, the gauntlet has been thrown down and the race is on! We had a consult with a local RE and (as I expected) he advised us to have the transfer at our old clinic in Oregon as they know the proper protocol for thawing, etc. (he told me there were hundreds of different protocols...I hadn't realized that). They would be happy, though, to do the local monitoring and testing.

Due to my age, I need to have a few extra tests. I had an EKG at my doctor's office this morning (all normal) and will be scheduling a stress test as soon as the cardiology clinic calls me back. I have scheduled the HSG for Friday.

Hold on to your hats...this old girl is gonna try again!!

Maybe...

Well, it's that time of year again. Yep. The renewal came last week from the embroyology lab. It's time to toss or renew. And the decision is...

We're gonna try.

We are currently looking into moving our embies from Oregon down to Florida and trying a transfer. I have an appointment with a clinic next week.

At my age. Sheesh...people are gonna think I'm nuts. But my last pregnancy was such a piece of cake. I am so good at being pregnant, it's just getting pregnant that I need help with.

And yet, look at him. For the chance of another, isn't it worth people thinking you have, in your senility, gone completely around the bend? How wrong are they anyway? For the chance of another...

And yet, I am so full of doubts. Should we do it? Really, everyone (EVERYONE) will think we're nuts. Hey! I think we're nuts. I am so torn. I want it and I don't.

What the heck.

It probably won't work anyway.

...And the drama continues...

We have decided to pay for another year of storage for our embies. I am talking to my RE tomorrow.

More later.

"Two important things are to have a genuine interest in people and to be kind to them. Kindness, I've discovered, is everything in life."

-- Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904-1991)

Letters in the Mail

I received a letter in the mail this week that stirred up some really conflicted feelings.

I have always wanted 2 children. When I was young I would picture myself with my two little ones (a girl and a boy, naturally) and I would be content.

Then I grew up. And met a man that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. After 8 years (eight years!! Tick tick), we were making marriage plans when he decided that he “loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me.” How trite is that? God I hate that expression!!!!

Then a few years went by and I met another man that I felt would be ‘the one.’ Seven years later we got married (tick tick). Then he wanted to wait for children (tick tick). Three years later, we are at the RE (tick tick) and I spent the next 6 years trying to have a baby (tick tick). It is now 3 years later (tick tick) and I received in the mail the renewal for storage for the embryos that were created with our son. We have 10 on ice.

I had a very easy pregnancy. I was not sick a single day. I did not have gestational diabetes, or pre-eclampsia (despite my doctor’s fears), or hemorrhoids or any of the thousands of problems that can come up when pregnant. I had some swelling in my ankles, some numbness in my fingertips and in the last month some heartburn.

That is it.

Oh, there were plenty of worries, mostly having to do with the fact that neither my husband nor I were working at the time. We had a $1200/month mortgage, a $600/month medical insurance payment and I was getting $400/week in unemployment. Figure it out. It was pretty dicy there for awhile. In between twice a week non-stress tests (because of my pre-existing high blood pressure) I was flying around the country on interview trips.

But I was good at being pregnant. And I loved feeling my son move. I don’t think I appreciated it at the time (because of the $$$$ worries) but I really liked being pregnant.

But I am not 25 years old (…or 35…or 45…). And my marriage is far from ideal (we put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional).

I think I know what we have to do.

But it makes me cry for the little girl who wanted two children.

I am crying for her now.