Funny news of the Day

Holy, creepy corpse, Batman! This guy is channelling Norman Bates.

...and I though I was lazy...

Joke Friday - Since I'm gonna be in Texas...

Rules for Texas

• RULE 1: Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24-hours a day. Let them cook something they know how to cook.
• RULE 2: Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, Mari Beth, Marva, Edna Earl, Ouida and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
• RULE 3: Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here, it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi, Sprite, or a Dr Pepper. Got it?
• RULE 4: Southern women don't fancy the smart-mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have Big brothers and Bigger daddies.
• RULE 5: Don't show allegiances to any other school's football team, EXCEPT THE TEXAS LONGHORNS. All the others are a just bunch of candy-asses, who play Wyoming every week.
• RULE 6: Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you, and a whole lot nicer, to boot. We just talk this way to piss you off.
• RULE 7: Yeah, we know the humidity is high; just quit whining, spend your money, and go home.
• RULE 8: No, the state symbol of TEXAS is not the orange and white highway barrel. (This road construction is ticking us off, too.)
• RULE 9: Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Nebraska. Just eat the biscuits like GOD meant for you to do. And, do not order poached eggs. No one from the South eats eggs poached.
• RULE 10: Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one, or use regional idioms you can't possibly understand. Nothing makes us madder.
• RULE 11: Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. We're not going to change to make you happy. So, if you don't like it here, "Delta is ready when you are"!
• RULE 12: Our food isn't overcooked; yours is undercooked.
• RULE 13: Down here, "Kiss my ass" is a perfectly acceptable way to close an argument. You can't get more closure than that.
• RULE 14: Flirting is a Southern tradition. It doesn't mean you're going home with someone later. It doesn't mean the person flirting with you is even interested. It's all just "practice".
• Rule 15: Take your hat OFF when you say the words, "Tom Landry."

Never on Saturday (or Sunday)

Okay, so I really suck at this posting on the weekend stuff. I just do not spend time on the computer on the weekend. I can always find something else that I want to do. Maybe if my laptop was working properly and we had the wireless set up, but since I have to come up here and use this (ugh!!) wired-plug-in-the-wall stuff, meh.

So once again, I will dig into my joke bag and bring you Joke Friday, Saturday edition.

Plane Rules

• Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
• It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
• The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
• The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
• Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
• If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
• In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

See you on Sunday (eh).

Not so sick

Feeling much better today. So, since I was so ill on Friday, I will bring you Joke Friday on Monday!!

Featuring a tale of American ingenuity:

The Ball Point Pen
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

...and so it goes...