I love my hometown but...

WTF, Seattle???

A few minutes in my life...

So today it felt like I had…something…in my eye. So I take out my mirror and start poking my fingers in my eye trying to pry the elusive hair off of my cornea. Then I notice a great big scratch on my eye. AGHGHGHGHG!!! A giant scratch on my eye! Wait a minute…why doesn’t it hurt more?

Then I notice the exact. Same. Scratch. On my other eye. AHGHGHGH!! Wait. Oh yeah. Reflection of the lights.

Am an idiot.

But at least the hair is gone.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Okay. Now I think this is funny. Please tell me that I am not the only one. I don't think I would mind having him in the seat next to me. Here are my reasons:

• He wouldn't hog the armrest
• I could steal his airline meal (if they still served these)
• I could steal his peanuts
• I could order extra drinks for him (and then drink them myself)
  
• ...and charge his credit card
• He wouldn't talk to me when I wanted to read/sleep/space out

...seems like the perfect seatmate to me.

So Cool

Well, folks, it looks like very soon I am going to be very, very wealthy. Yes I have been invited to go into the oil business with a company doing business in venezuela. I will be a 'patner' with Ms. Briggs and look forward to dumping buckets of money into my bank account.

My name is Mel Diana Briggs, an engineer/geologist. I own Rocket OilServices, a support company to Shell Petroleum Dev Company. My company doesoil prospecting, oil site reading and shallow exploration for shell. I amcurrently in Venezuela where i have had the opportunity to do oil deals with
a few sister company explorers, and a few indigenous oil rig engineers.
Together, we engage in oil deals which involve bunkerring and quick syphoning of crude oil through specially rented barges to Mexico and Chile.
Proceeds from the oil sales are paid for in Dollars and eventually wired through the Venezuellan banks to banks in England. Payments are made this
way due to the hard-line policies of Hugo Chavez(venezuelan president) whohas launched an animosity against america and some of their allies. By way of rigorous transfer of funds, i lose so much of my share of the proceeds from sales because this is a secret deal which Shell is not aware of.
Already, proceeds made from sales amount to $80million. And due to local restrictions in Venezuela, i cannot invest these monies here because of my
imigration status. As such, i need a patner whom i can work with for the movement and investment of these monies. I need someone i can trust as a
patner, who will assist me in moving this money, and whose company name we are going to use in investing the money into more lucrative businesses.
For your participation: you shall get 20% of the $80million before the investment proper. And if you wish to be part of the lucrative investments
mentioned above, we shall talk better terms. Please do let me know your position on this proposal so that we can proceed.

I am preparing to quit my job and have put money down on a new Porche. See you all in the Swiss Alps.

PG-rated swear words

Was thinking the other day about swear words (obviously I have too much time on my hands). I have a child now and although I was never a real big cusser (it still makes me uncomfortable to actually say the 'f' word...although I can write it: fuck - see?), I think that I have to stop saying at least the Big Ones: shit, damn and hell. And the 'f' word, of course, fuck (heh...that probably upped my hit count...).

I should probably also cut out fart and bitch. I use them way too much. Someone once said that adding a yummy food group after a derogatory makes it less dirty. Terms such as:

• twatwaffle
• cuntpickle
• skankmuffin
• whorecracker

are funnier than they are dirty.

The word 'douche', while itself not really a dirty word becomes funny/demeaning/dirty when different beginnings or endings are added:

• douchewizzle
• douchebag
• douche canoe
• douchefish
• flaming douchebag
• douche-a-rooney

Adding 'knocker' after words makes them funny/dirty:

• fartknocker
• bitchknocker
• doucheknocker

The word 'crap' (which I would not consider particularly dirty seems to have made some list at my 7-year old's school as he chastised me for using it the other day) lends itself to adding an interesting ending as in:

• craptastic
• crapalicious
• crappity crap crap
  

I have always loved "smarmy bastard." It just seems to roll off the tongue (e.g. "...he was such a smarmy bastard I simply wanted to hurl..."). Lately "batshit crazy" has been a favorite of mine as well.

These are not really swear words, but they are funny:

• dillweed
• dorkfish

Okay, now I have shared some of my favorites, I wanna hear some more...anyone?

Wordless Wednesday: WTF, Amazon?

Was this really the best choice of box for shipping this item??

Myths and Distractions

So, my son lost another tooth yesterday. His top four front teeth have been wiggling for months but one of them was wigglier (is that a word?). He has been sitting and playing with it now for over a month and yesterday at school it finally decided to take the leap and came out in his hand. His teacher, the sainted woman, had a little ‘tooth box’ just big enough for him to carry it home in.

Naturally the trip home consisted of talk of the Tooth Fairy.

“What will she bring me, mommy?”

“I don’t know, sweetie. We will have to wait and see.”

We got home and I took a picture of the hole left by his errant tooth. He called his grandpa and told him, “Mommy took a picture to send to you. Give it to grandma to make her smile” (bad mommy – it is still in the camera).

And sporadically throughout the evening he speculated on what the Tooth Fairy would bring him.

Bedtime (blessed bedtime) and bad mommy watched a movie and forgot about the tooth fairy.

*early this morning* “Why didn’t the tooth fairy come, mommy?”

*still asleep* “Unngghhh…” - crap – stupid tooth fairy, “I think she was real busy last night, sweetheart.”

Memo – keep small, cheap pieces of crap around house feed tooth fairy myth. Bitch.

Wordless Wednesday - Why I get no work done...

Stupid cat...

Put the camera down and get to work, bitch. Yo.

(Stupid pets...should skin 'em both and make tiny throw rugs out of them...)